In the meantime, though, I had looked at some of my links for streaming church services, and came across Ed Young Fellowship live. Someone had recommended it, and I clicked on it for a little while.
And, well, I didn't even watch the service. The ad at the beginning (for a women's conference, it looked like) had me baffled and feeling lost.
Is it me, or does it seem that there are a lot of churches out there that seem to think God wants a performance? I don't mean a heartfelt worship song or a fervently prayed messaged, I mean a show. Bright lights, fancy outfits, perfect hair. The music is thrilling, the lighting just right, and the anticipation builds. The ad I saw even had a woman walking down what appeared to be a red carpet. All that was needed was paparazzi.
I didn't watch the service. In fact, I didn't watch any streaming service that day. The lights and "action" of even that felt too much for me.
And today, writing these words and realizing that I don't want Hollywood and I don't want "the show" most days (especially not when finally getting over the creeping crud I thought would never leave) --
I find these words, instead: "Do What You Do." In this mother's blog, she speaks of how she is "supposed" to be writing, but "goes rogue" and does something else instead. Something fun. Something equally necessary but, reading between the lines, something that probably could wait. She speaks of reading a book, Bittersweet, which reassured her that sometimes she has to accept her limits.
"Accepting our true lives, defining what we are actually called to do and acknowledging our limitations and our strengths can be the castle drawbridge to freedom."
Oh. Well, ok then. That line spoke to me so strongly that I stopped reading completely for a moment.
And then I read this: "There’s freedom here, in acceptance, in allowing myself to breathe, in knowing what I can do and not expecting from myself the ability to do the things I can’t."
I'm not sure what happened this month so that I wasn't attending church for several Sundays in a row. Some of it was physical, and my health certainly needed renewing. But the rest of it was purely mental, even spiritual in nature. I just needed days of rest. Not just one. But several in a row. And then I'd feel bad about it, and that got me exactly nowhere. And then I'd need another day of rest.
So I'll get back to writing. And I'll get back to church. I'll especially need it next week, for Mother's Day. My Little G and I have plans that day, so I'll be attending the earlier service.
But in the meantime, I won't beat myself up for the things that I didn't do. I will simply embrace that which I did do, and did accomplish, and did experience.
More doing, less fretting.